We’ve all been there: we need to apologize sincerely, and we don't want to sound like jerk. We've all got a story about when someone said they’re sorry, with about as much sincerity as a wet noodle:
“I’m sorry if you felt upset.”
No. Nope. Unacceptable. That is not an apology — that’s a defensive redirect. And makes it seem like you did something wrong, instead of the person actually owning up to their actions.
Here's how to apologize sincerely – without sounding like a jerk.
A real apology is about repair –– about a desire to mend and maintain important relationships –– not defense. A meaningful apology is one of the most powerful relationship tools we have, and also one that’s sometimes the hardest to use!
I have learned this lesson slowly – sometimes painfully – throughout the years of my relationship. My partner and I both really like to be right. We also both want the last word. So when our communication goes sideways, or I mess up in some way, it takes a lot of internal wrangling for me to apologize without slipping in some sort of snippy “…but you did XYZ” just to make myself feel a little less bad.
Let me tell you: That little add-on never helps! It escalates things, instead of diffusing tension, and only makes the wronged party more determined to get the last word.
My most honest apologies come when I resist the urge to defend or justify – and just own my part.
Whether you're apologizing face-to-face or putting pen to paper, here’s a breakdown of how to apologize sincerely — with examples for what to say (and what to skip…).
1. Say Exactly What You Did
This is the most important part. You can’t build trust without being clear, so you need to be specific in what you’re apologizing for.
Say this:
➡️ “I’m sorry for snapping at you during our call yesterday.”
➡️ “I shouldn’t have shared your news without asking first.”
Not this:
🚫 “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
🚫 “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
Those phrases center you and your intentions — not the impact. And impact is what matters most.
When you’re specific, the other person knows you actually understand what went wrong. It shows presence and accountability — not just a vague attempt to smooth things over, or apologizing for the sake of apologizing.
2. Take Responsibility (Fully)
You gotta own it. It’s uncomfortable to feel like the bad guy, and even more uncomfortable to admit where you went wrong. But making excuses doesn’t undo the harm — it just makes you look like you’re dodging it.
Say this:
➡️ “It was my responsibility, and I dropped the ball.”
➡️ “I got defensive instead of listening — that’s on me.”
Not this:
🚫 “I was just tired and overwhelmed.”
🚫 “Well, you were kind of harsh too…”
This step is where so many apologies fall apart. Even if there's more context (and there always is), resist the urge to explain. Own your piece — and let that be enough for now.
3. Share What You’ve Learned
Okay, you messed up. We've all been there! But, if you can show that the moment taught you something, and you’re transforming your mistake into connection.
Say this:
➡️ “I’ve realized I need to slow down and think before I respond.”
➡️ “Next time, I’ll check in before assuming.”
Not this:
🚫 “I’ll just stop talking during meetings, then.”
🚫 “Guess I can’t win, huh?”
This part of an apology is where you can provide an opening to repair trust. It says, “I’m reflecting, I’m learning, I’m growing.” This is what will make the relationship stronger.
4. Don’t Keep Apologizing
Yes, apologizing is powerful, and an important part of building and maintaining relationships. But over-apologizing ruins all that repair you just did! Over-apologizing is self-soothing disguised as sincerity. 👀 Once you’ve said it and shown it, repeating “I’m sorry” starts to sound insincere, and gets exhausting for everyone involved.
Say this:
➡️ “I’m really sorry, and I appreciate you hearing me.”
➡️ “I’ll do better from here.”
Not this:
🚫 “I feel awful. I’m the worst. I can’t believe I did that…”
🚫 “Are you sure you’re not still mad?”
Apologize once, well. Then demonstrate that you’ve learned — show your apology in your actions, in your follow-through, and in your changed behavior.
Apologizing Is a Strength, Not a Weakness
Apologizing feels really vulnerable. You’ve got to sit in the discomfort of your own mistake without getting defensive, blaming someone else, or bailing on the situation altogether.
But: this is what makes sincere, meaningful apologies so powerful.
Real apologies — the ones that repair and reconnect — aren’t about who’s “right.” They’re about being willing to show up wrong, and still choose to mend and grow that important relationship.
And hey, if you’re on the receiving end of an apology? You need grace and strength, too. It’s not always easy to let go of what you’re feeling, even when someone shows up honestly. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to establish some boundaries if you need to. And it’s okay if you don’t say “apology accepted” right away. (But do acknowledge that you’ve heard the apology! Don’t leave that person’s vulnerability rolling along like a tumbleweed.)
Here’s the messiness of being humans, and showing up for each other with kindness and courage. 💖
